The Middle: Falling in Love

Now, don’t get me wrong, not everything about my relationship with Steven was bad. He was kind, affectionate, silly, weird. He made me laugh so much. He (sort of) dealt with the fact that I had an ex boyfriend who treated me poorly and that his girlfriend was calling me and texting me everyday. Again, honesty, I should never have answered her calls. I should tell you all, I wasn’t perfect in this either. I know I made him out to be a bad guy and that’s not entirely fair. He did do a lot of things that were inappropriate for someone who was in a relationship.

When he was with me, he was good to me. He was the first (and only) man who ever brought me flowers. I almost even cried when he showed up for our date on Valentine’s Day and handed me the flowers. He chose orange for “New Beginnings” he said. Now, I called him a narcissist on the last post… and, I do not believe him to be a full-blown narcissist.

We never did get to go away for a weekend together. All I remember about the reason why not was that we “both” thought things were going too fast. So, instead, the weekend we planned to go, I went to Vegas with a co-worker of mine for her birthday. I remember talking to her a lot about Steven. And talking to her a lot about Jason. And I remember her saying that I needed to stop talking to Chilee if I wanted things to work with Steven. And I agreed. Because I cared about him (Steven) so much. I truly did. And perhaps that’s why I am still so angry and hurt by what he did.

So… before I go into where it all went wrong. I need to tell you about all of the things that made it right, at least to me anyways.

I loved the fact that there was an evening that he went out with his friends and I went out with mine and he text me to see how my evening was going and asked when I was going to be home. I remember texting him when I was home and him asking if he can come over because he wanted to see me. I text him I was home and still awake and to just text me when he was at the door. Not a minute later, he text me with “here.” Apparently, he was already on his way over and wanted to make sure I was awake. It was the little, sweet things like that. He would come over just to see me. One time he walked to my house late in the evening just to cuddle for a half-an-hour and then walked back home. One memory sticks out the most for some reason. He came over in the middle of the day and I was working on homework and he laid down to take a nap on the couch. I can see it as vividly as it happened just this morning or this past weekend. I remember I stopped what I was doing and went over to him and laid down with him. And we stayed like that for a while. There was something sweet in that. Nothing super big, the front door was open and the air was coming in and we just laid there. That’s not the moment I fell in love with him. That came a bit later.

An interlude (yes, it’s important to the story)

Throughout a lot of this, Chilee was texting me about Jason. Had Jason contacted me? Jason said this or that about me. Jason once told people that he never loved me. He told people that I begged him to go up and see me in the Bay Area when it was HIS idea. He told people that we never planned on me moving down to Southern California to be together, but he asked me to at one point. He told people that we only dated for 2 weeks and that we didn’t work and we remained great friends. He told Chilee and others that I weaseled my way back into his life and didn’t know that I had feelings for him when they started dating (this is all before Steven and yes there is a point, please stick with me). However, I have never been one to hide my feelings. The fact of the matter is, I had dinner with Jason the night before he was officially in a relationship with Chilee and he sat in his car and told me, “well, you’re here now so who knows what the future truly holds for us.” When I confronted Jason about chilee, he told me that she propositioned him. Saying that she had feelings for him and was seriously considering moving to California (from Vegas) to be with him and pursue a relationship and he told me that he never even kissed her… I was stupid because I believed it all. Just like Michelle and Chilee believed what he told them about me. Because everything he ever told them about me… okay, not everything. When Michelle and I got together before she got a restraining order against Jason she said, ” I knew he lied to me about you. He said that you were the most amazing woman he ever met and then all of a sudden you guys broke up and he didn’t want to talk about it. but I knew. I knew something was wrong. He literally went from ‘she’s the most patient, kind, caring person I’ve ever met and I cannot believe I found her,’ to ‘we’re done’ in the span of a week.” Now, Jason and Michelle met because she worked at the coffee place he would frequent. I met her because Jason took me there one evening when I was out visiting and I met her. Michelle later told me that Jason told her that he did that because he wanted to see me and he wanted to see what my reaction would be to her. Yes, the stupidity that was involved when I got back together with Jason as many times as I did is unfathomable. Here is why I am telling you this. I am telling you this because the only reason I ever got back together with him was because I remember what it was like when we were first together. However! And this is something I have learned, he (Jason) was never that person. He just wasn’t. It’s such a difficult thing to describe. And I know people have asked why I ever got back together with him in the first place and my initial reaction was “because you don’t really know him.” I didn’t either. But to be honest, it was because I had fought and fought and fucking fought for this dude and when there were times he decided to be with me, I was like “okay.” Even though I knew it wasn’t right. Even when I knew I didn’t actually love him anymore.

The point of me telling you all of this is because for the majority of my relationship with Steven in 2015, Chilee and Jason were stalking both of us. Well, they were stalking me which meant whenever Steven was with me, they were also stalking him. Jason would drive by the house every night at the same time. Chilee once had someone find out where I lived so she can say that she and Jason were moving down the street. It was difficult for me. It became really difficult to hear all of these lies being told about me to someone and fearing that something might happen to me or the person I was in a relationship at the time. The tipping point, for me, was when Chilee contacted me and said that someone had anonymously sent her a package to her work (later, I found out that no one sent her anything. Her family works in law enforcement and she actually ordered a full background report on Jason) and told me that Jason was going to come to my home and “deal with it.” I left work early that day and called my best friend, Jackie because I was about to end it all. I don’t know if I ever told Steven that. That is when I told Chilee that she needed to leave me alone and we shouldn’t be in contact anymore. I was in a relationship with someone I cared very deeply for and it was starting to ruin our relationship and I wanted to give this relationship everything I could. I deserved that and so did Steven.

The night I realized that I was in love with Steven was the evening he asked me to go to Alaska with him. He has planned this dream trip of his to go to Alaska and I was so excited for him. We were out at dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date and I remember he got up to use the restroom and when he came back and sat down, I remember looking at him and my entire body got warm and in my head I was like, “oh goodness, I’m in love with you.” When he sat down, that’s when he asked me to go to Alaska with him. I have written about this before and I feel like I should have said yes but I can’t change that now. I said no because I was moving the weekend he was going to be in Alaska. I was done with my classes but I needed to ask for time off. And I couldn’t get that time off. I just should have done it. Maybe he wouldn’t have had that plenty of fish account for when he was there. I don’t know.

I remember saying to him that night, “you’re not gonna come back, are you?” and he said, “my stuff’s here. you’re my stuff.” I said, “not Edgar and Jon?” and he said, “nah.” or something along those lines. I never told him that night. In fact, I didn’t tell him that I had loved him until after we had broken up. I wrote him a letter. I think that was after he told me he was moving to Cleveland… I can’t quite remember the timeline of that. He never told me he loved me either. Not that i can recall. I don’t know if he actually did. But there was one night i had a conversation with his best friend, Edgar, a conversation i tried so hard not to have and i said to Edgar, “he didn’t love me. if he loved me, he would have tried harder and he never would have left.” Edgar looked at me and said, “come on, you know that’s not true. He left the two people he loves most in this world (Edgar and Jon). Steven was going to leave no matter what.”

Throughout all of this, he would surprise me with sweet dates. He once picked me up and asked me what I was in the mood for and then took me to this cute little Italian restaurant and then the rooftop of the standard in LA. He once took me to Amoeba in LA and then Diddy Riese to get ice cream sandwiches and we waited in the cold in line, but it was worth it. There are cute pictures from that day, but it hurts too much to look at and share them.

I begged him to stop talking to his ex. She made it known that she was still relevant in his life and that bothered me. I didn’t like her. And I don’t think I ever will like her. And I still don’t understand why he continued to talk to her and be in contact with her and meet up with her in Vegas for her 21st birthday when he told me that she didn’t mean anything to him.

He met a couple of my friends and I met most of his. He would bring me to things like the pizza potluck to watch a fight (he took me home early because I had to be at work the next morning at 4:30am) or one evening when his friend was performing at a comedy club. Those sorts of things. I knew things were changing when he stopped inviting me places with them. When I had 4th of July off and I spent it alone while he was out with his friends having fun. And he knew I had the day off.

Again, I’m not saying I was perfect. He would tell me what his current favorite movie was and that I should watch it because he thought I would like it and I said no because it didn’t sound like a good movie. I watched it after we broke up, I actually really did like it. I would be short with him sometimes. One morning when I moved into my new place he was playing around with the smart tv and I got upset with him because I was sure he was going to break it and I was going to get in trouble for it. I didn’t always communicate that I wanted to see him more. Sometimes I did and those messages were left answered or “I’m busy.” I was too. I had 2 jobs and was going to school full-time.

I don’t know when or how often or why he did all he did. Especially when I remember telling him, “if this is not where you want to be, please just tell me.” Yes, we technically broke up 3 years ago. But over the last year and more, we were always trying to be “something.” Or so it seemed.

He used to call me, “my Blythe.” I liked that. It felt like I belonged and that what we together was special and that I was his and he was mine. I loved touching him. I don’t know. I don’t know when it all turned into him telling people I was just bitter. I don’t know when all of it turned into him telling his Cleveland friends that I was obsessed with him. I don’t know when it became okay for him to listen to people who don’t even know me speak poorly of me because of things he did. I know he’s embarrassed by what I write about him sometimes. But imagine the embarrassment I feel when I read the horrendous review his former co-worker and friend left about my book. And how heartbroken I felt when Steven removed his review because people found out the truth about our relationship. I don’t understand why people lie. Things didn’t work out. And you know what? It’s sad. And I was heartbroken over it, truly, I was. By why does anyone have to be made out to be crazy or obsessed? Why can’t it just be “we didn’t work out. but I care about this person still” instead of “no, she’s crazy and jealous that I didn’t choose her.”

It breaks my heart everyday. Because I didn’t think I deserved what happened in the end.

 

Depression is such a weird thing. It’s literally taken me all day to get out of bed and take a shower and be a productive human being. Going to write more on this soon. Just gotta get going for the day.

The Beginning: When He Lies & Cheats

The Beginning

Almost 4 years ago I was working at a Starbucks in Orange County and I was having a conversation with a few of my coworkers about how shitty my ex boyfriend Jason was. Everything he had put me through, the fact that he was still driving by my house during the week when his girlfriend was living in Vegas. So, my coworker, Edgar asked if it was okay if he gave my number to his best friend, Steven. I initially wanted to say no. And knowing what I know now, I should have. I remember Edgar having mentioned Steven to me a year prior when we were working. He asked me how I dealt with the new attention after losing so much weight. I told him that I thought that we all deal with it differently. And that the attention from men still made me uncomfortable sometimes. I asked him why and he said his best friend recently lost a whole bunch of weight and was making some really bad decisions when it came to dating. I remember telling Edgar that we all need to make bad decisions in our dating lives every now and again and he would eventually figure it out (almost 5 years later and he hasn’t).

Anyways, Edgar told me that his best friend was the best guy he knew and he thought I would like him. So I said “sure you can give him my number.” I had completely forgotten about it until I got a message from Steven a few days later. And I have to be honest with you, he made me laugh a lot in the first conversation. He was funny and charming (which I have learned, most narcissists are… more on this later). He was going out-of-town the weekend after we started talking because it was Super Bowl weekend and he and his friends were going to Vegas. So we set up our date for when he got back… Again, some honesty, I almost text him about a half-an-hour before the date to cancel, but my roommate at the time convinced me that it would be good to go out. So I went out with him. He picked me up and we walked to the gastropub not far from my house for dinner. He talked a lot. He talked a lot about this movie exec he supposedly met in Vegas who wanted to meet with him and potentially have a job offer (it never  happened). I tried to be as weird as I could be because I was honestly trying to turn him off. Apparently he dug it. Again, he made me laugh a lot that night. As he was walking me back to my house, we called Edgar on speaker phone and he told me to be quiet and pretended like it was a horrible date – until Edgar heard me in the background laughing and then hung up on us. I truly did have a nice evening. It was probably the best first dates I had been on in a long time at that point.

We made plans to go on a second date later that Friday. He took me to his favorite pizza place, we went to get coffee, and then he surprised me by wanting to take me roller skating (Cause I had mentioned something earlier about it). As we were leaving the pizza place, he told me he was waiting for a package to come soon and opened his amazon account to show me that he was waiting for my first published book of poetry to arrive. A book that I begged him not to buy. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it roller skating, as he left his phone in the circle and someone ended up swiping it. So we went back to my place and turned on Netflix and cuddled on the couch and used the iPhone tracker on my phone to find his phone with no luck. I then had a mean craving for some orange juice so he drove us to a 24hr donut shop to get donuts, milk, and orange juice. We sat and ate and then cuddled some more and he finally kissed me and well… let’s just say that our second date lasted nearly 17ish hours.

A few days after that was his birthday. He had the day off of work and he met me at my house between classes and we went to lunch and fooled around. When he got home, the book had arrived. I was sitting in class for barely 10 minutes when he sent me a picture of the introduction page that said the following:

Screen Shot 2018-11-24 at 4.54.39 PM I have to be honest with whomever reads this, I started crying when he sent it to me… in class. My friend (and future roommate) who was sitting across from me asked me what happened and I sent her a screenshot of the conversation. I then text Jason’s sister – she was, at the time, one of my closest friends. She asked me what he was thinking when he bought it. Along with the picture, he asked me if Jason still had my heart. And I was honest. No he didn’t (yeah… a few months after Steven and I broke up years ago, I got back together with Jason for like a half a second… more on that later). She told me to tell him that writing is how I heal and that it was the way I felt when I was writing it but that’s not how I still felt.  So I did. I asked him if he still wanted to get dinner for his birthday or if he wanted to cancel. He said he still wanted to get dinner. When Steven arrived, the first thing I said to him was “do you have any questions? I will tell you whatever you want to know.” the only thing he asked me was if I still had contact with him and I said no. Which was true. The last time I had seen Jason was a month prior when Jason came to my home because his girlfriend found out the truth about me and our relationship and threw my book of poetry at me. We went out for dinner and had a nice time. We continued to date and he invited me to spend Friday evening with him and his friends when they went out to celebrate his birthday, so I said of course. By this point, his ex girlfriend, Allee had already started stalking my instagram and facebook profiles. Even liking pictures and then unliking them in order to get my attention. Now, Allee was a lot younger than me and Steven, so I guess her behavior was fine for a 20 year old. However, I don’t remember being a fucking bitch at 20. But that’s neither here nor there. I was busy losing weight and getting healthy and not trying to get back together with my ex who was dating (two other women) someone else. Oh.. did I not tell you? So, Steven was dating a girl from his work, Tiffany, when we met and started dating. She keyed his car (or at least that’s what he told me) and he got her fired and I am pretty sure that she keyed it because she found out he was seeing me and never broke it off with her… Anyways, the evening that we all went out for his birthday… it was nice. I had already met his two best friends and a I met a couple others that evening. When we went to one of the bars and I had to use the restroom, Edgar’s girlfriend, Liz pulled me aside as we were walking back and said, “i have never seen him like this. He never brings girls around these guys and he’s never showed PDA in front of them either. I am so glad he found someone who is smart and funny and someone I can actually have a conversation with.” Side note: I met Liz before this. Steven took me to play pool with the guys and Liz was there and we chatted for a bit. Anyways, the exchange with Liz made me a little uncomfortable because it was all so new. And though it was flattering, I was still trying to get to know Steven.

After the night was over and his friends were all dropped off, I dropped steven off at home and he hugged me and bit my lip so hard that I started bleeding (oh, he was super drunk) and told me he didn’t want to see other people. I laughed and kissed him. I figured he was drunk and wouldn’t remember in the morning. The next day was Valentine’s Day and he had to work (he was an insurance salesman at the time and it was open enrollment… his boss actually called me to beg me to postpone our date and said that I must have been special if Steven was telling him “no” and wanted him to see if it was okay with me).

So we celebrated our Valentine’s day the next day… which was a Sunday. He picked me up at my house and brought me flowers. We then went to his house and he made me a nice dinner and even had my favorite sparkling wine… which was apparently his as well. I remember he took a picture of me and sent it to his buddies. I was smiling. We also talked about going away for a weekend and planning a weekend I could get off of work as I worked 6 days a week. I also remember that Allee was texting him all night that night. He said to me again that night that he didn’t want to see other people and I was quiet. He drove me home the next morning and then when he left he text me and said, “you got quiet when i said i didn’t want to see other people.” i told him that it just seemed really fast. That I liked him and didn’t want to see other people but it just seemed so fast. That my last relationship had gone so fast and it burned out even faster and i was so hurt by it that i wanted to take a little time to go slow and get to know each other and that i don’t date more than one person at a time. I wanted it to last, even at the beginning.

Later on one evening, when he came to make dinner for me, he wanted to take our trip up to sacramento (i was thinking catalina island) to meet his dad and sister. Again, we had only been dating for like 2 or 3 weeks at that time and that seemed so fast to me. It seemed so fast that he wanted me to meet his family right away. I guess because I wanted to go a bit slower, he took that as me rejecting him. About 6 weeks into us dating, Jason’s girlfriend at the time, Chilee, started calling me and texting me nearly everyday to see if jason had any contact with me (he hadn’t, and i didn’t contact him throughout my relationship with steven because i knew he wouldn’t like it… see how that fucking works steven?) and to ask me some questions about jason. Which I answered. Steven never spoke up and said he didn’t like it. At least not right away.

There was one night I caught him on his phone sending pictures of a girl on Tinder to Edgar and Jon and he lied to me and said that he and Edgar were looking for a girl for Jon but that he was just so picky. Something in me knew that was a lie. And knowing what I know now, it was.

Now, I am not saying that it was all bad. Cause it wasn’t. I worked 6 days a week and most days I opened, so I had to be at work at 4am. On top of that I had school.

I’m not sure when he decided to be on Tinder or plenty of fish or whatever other dating apps he was on or why he decided to fuck around with Allee or why he dated Jordan (and then didn’t go out with her again) for a few weeks when he was in a committed relationship with me. But he did. He lied. He continued to lie. He continued to lie to me about only wanting to be with me… and that’s not even just in 2015… this was going on until June of this year. Even until I found out about his “reconnection” with Jordan… when he was telling me that he wanted to move back to Southern California to be with me. That he missed me. That he wanted to fall asleep and wake up next to me… even when he was likely telling Jordan this… and not only Jordan but Allicia and I’m fairly certain others… but again, this is all me getting ahead of myself.

how you treat someone stays with them forever

they may forget all of the good times are even the bad times

but one thing people never forget, is how you made them feel

remember that the next time you hold someone’s heart in your hand

The trick is:

Allow yourself to breathe through it.

I won’t lie to you all… I cry everyday. I cry in the most inconvenient of places. The grocery store, target, in the office at work. I’m working on something pretty big that I’ll be publishing within the next week. Stay tuned. Hoping it inspires others… even hoping it inspires me a little as well!

Honesty

I stopped asking people for honesty the moment I found no truth in their lies

one day, we will sit and talk

and she will hear my story

and people will realize that

i was never crazy

just sick of being used and abused

by you

Why do we spend our time obsessing over people who never truly cared? And not in all of the ways people are thinking about. I obsess over what I did wrong to make Steven cheat on me, lie to me, manipulate me, etc. Here’s the thing, the problem is him. It’s not me. He’s moved on so many times with so many different women and during the time he was actually with me. Not even having the courage to break up with me and then told other people I was some crazy ex girlfriend who was bitter. Here’s the other thing… moving on wouldn’t be so difficult if after the break up, people would just stay away. But it was never ending with either one of them for so long. He and Jason treated me like trash. And I fucking clung to them. And I read articles on facebook and see people’s comments about how stupid women are to stay with men who have, in ways, abused them. Make no mistake, psychological and emotional abandonment and manipulation and gaslighting are all forms of abuse. I am so sick of being a good woman to little boys. I hate the notion of “man up” but seriously, a man, a real man, would never hurt the woman he loves. You didn’t love me. You liked the way I made you feel about yourself. If you loved me, you would have protected me, Steven. If you loved me, you would have figured out a way to make it work. If you loved me, you would never have lied to your friends about me. If you loved me, even though it wasn’t working, you would have respected me, as a person and said “this isn’t working.” Instead of jumping back into Allee’s arms and fucking around with Jordan and the countless other women I most assuredly know about.

Again, can you love someone’s mask? Can you love the version of them that never existed in the first place? I don’t know. If I learned anything from Jason… No. You can’t love someone’s mask. Because the person you loved never existed. And you know what that means? That there was no love there.

Today, I hate you. I hate you because you planned OUR European trip with Jordan. I’m mad because you told me you wanted to be with me and make things work and see if we had a future and before I knew it, you were in the arms many different women.

Letting go

It’s a quiet stillness in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

But sometimes, you have to forget about the people who abuse your heart.

It won’t be the easiest thing in the world. But it will feel like breathing once you accept it.

I deserved a love that didn’t lie and was not deceitful

I deserved love

Today is my last day working in the office full-time. I wasn’t fired and I haven’t quit, I am just going to be working from home for a while. I work 30 miles from my job but it takes me over an hour and a half to get to work. And almost 2 hours to get home. Most days I am too exhausted to do anything after work other than make dinner. Luckily, I have been working part-time from home the last few weeks and I find that not only am I more productive, but I get time to do things I want after work.

Life is weird. It really, really is. Some days I want to yell and scream at certain people and others I want to love them so much that it hurts. Most days I want to send them a really mean text and say that I know that you lied to me about this and this and that, but at the end of the day, there is no point. Can you truly love someone who lies to you? Can the person who lies to you truly love you? I am not perfect, I lied to this person about something – and some days I feel bad about lying and some days I think, well there are reasons I did that. I get confused because he visits this site every couple of days or so. I get angry because he told his friends and ex’s that I had been stalking him and his friends for like 3 years – I admit… yes, there were times after we had broken up that I looked at or tried to look at his social media, but it was always private so I moved along. But I never stalked it the way he said I did. He had me blocked on Facebook (he has me still blocked on facebook when I haven’t had him blocked since I left Cleveland) a few years ago and then about a year or so ago I noticed he unblocked me. So I sent him a message to apologize for the cruel things I said to him. There are so many things that I wish I could still say and so many things that I still feel. Some days I am hurt. Today is one of those days. Because even when someone says that they saw a future with you and thought it was going to be a long-term thing, but they never even tried – it’s hard to believe that they loved you or even cared about you as a person. That is something I struggle with everyday.

Here is what I do not understand… do you believe the lies you told other people? Do you truly believe these things you have said to people about me? Some things may be true – we know I can be a little crazy — I prefer to think of it as passionate and highly intuitive but whatever — but you never gave me the chance. You hid so many things from me. Instead of coming to me when things were happening and giving me the chance to react appropriately — you hid them and I then had to find out on my own — and that pissed me off more than if you had told me. And then I forgave you — time and time again, I forgave you. Does that make me stupid? I asked someone if it made me stupid and they said, “it doesn’t make you stupid. it means that you believe that people can change and that people deserve love and you want to see the good in those people. that’s not stupid.” You fucked up. You fucked up a lot. With me, with others… you just gave up because it started getting hard or because now there was a little more work to be put into it. Instead of asking me what I wanted, you assumed. Instead of speaking up about what you wanted from me — even though I asked, you remained silent. You never even gave any of it a chance. You lied. You made me out to look like an obsessed asshole who was bitter instead of taking responsibility because you were too embarrassed to admit to your friends what you did. If you know you are doing something wrong and you are ashamed to tell people — even those closest to you — or you’re embarrassed — perhaps you shouldn’t be doing it. Or perhaps you shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know what your life is like now. And I try not to ask too many questions because what is going on in your life is none of my business anymore. Because you decided you wanted anyone, literally anyone other than me. Yet you come here so often and you tell me you don’t know why. But you do know why. I know why.

Today, I am mad at you. Today, I am hurt that you just left and gave up. Tomorrow may be different.

I hope, one day, you have the courage to tell those closest to you the truth.

Thanksgiving

Please enjoy this video of Thanksgiving at the Donham house circa 2016… note: I get pie to the face so you’re gonna wanna watch till the end!

life is a series of so many moments that we all forget to appreciate

life’s too short to settle – don’t settle

even if it means waiting a little longer

sometimes we fall in love with bits and pieces of people

sometimes we fall in love with the whole

the entirety of someone


 

I generally talk about souls because that is the true essence of someone isn’t it? You can have so many things in common with someone and they still won’t be a match for you. You can have very few things in common with another and somehow, it makes sense. I have very limited experience with relationships but I know that when it comes down to it, whether you have something in common or not – the way someone makes you feel deep down to your core is not something that should be denied. I can tell you the exact moments I knew I was in love with the two men I have fallen in love with. I can tell you the exact moment when I knew – with one of them – that it was never going to work. And it didn’t make sense to me at the time. I remember thinking so clearly, “this isn’t going to work. but how can it not work? I love him. I have to make it work.” That was December 2012. And to be honest, the initial breakup, though extremely difficult, was expected. That fact that it took him until May of 2017 – to when I moved out of Orange – to stay away from me, what what made everything even more difficult. I knew. I knew months before it happened. I could feel it. It’s a really difficult thing to describe if you are not run by your emotions as I am – whether good or bad. I just felt it. And it didn’t make sense because I had been waiting and we had been planning and everything in me said, “nope. not this one.”

I could have saved myself years and years of heartache if I would have just listened to that voice. Perhaps I would not have gone back as many times as I did. However, I can proudly say that it has been almost 3 years since I have had any contact with the person I am speaking of. I don’t think of him often anymore and to be honest, when I do it’s usually a passing “fuck you” thought. Which may or may not be sad. I do not wish this person bad, but my life has greatly improved since they have been out of it.

Yes, I most certainly have my days when I am off and I am completely unsure of where I am going and what the fuck it is I am doing – but I think that’s just life. I think most or some people feel that way.

When I talk about souls, I mean the parts of someone that make them who they are. Does that make sense? How the things and the traits that make them who they are – whether good or bad – are in tune with yours.

Some people say that I am just some weird hopeless romantic and I will say, yeah, sure. Am I logical about it all? Absolutely! Even that soul match needs to be tended to. Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. You have to be willing to tell your partner when they are pissing you off or when you’re starting to get bored with the relationship. Because after everything dies down a little and it’s not as exciting, guess what? You have to make it exciting. You have to find new ways to love the person you are with in a way that they understand. And hopefully you find someone who can do the same for you.

A lot of people are selfish in relationships – I have been – it’s about what you can give to another person not what you can get from them. At the end of the day… most people want to be with someone who gets them. Someone who sees them for who they truly are, whether there are parts of them that are truly shitty or not. Now, I am not saying stay in an abusive relationship just because you love someone. Oh hell no! That’s not what I am meaning to say at all.

But if you can love someone, truly love someone, even on their bad days… and they love you back just as much, they are worth sticking around for and fighting for (and with)

**just my two cents**

Things I Think – a Letter

Maybe I perpetually have my head up my own ass? I don’t know. This is what I think : I think you still miss me. I think you’ve always missed. I am not saying that to be mean to all of the others, I think I am saying that because it seems to be a fact. Yes, I know you come here to see if I am writing about you – and yes, sometimes I do. Sometimes I write about myself too. And I think you do still love me. I know there are certain things that I won’t talk about on here because it is inappropriate to “out” you for the things you did in the past on such a public forum. I think you still wonder what we could have really  become. I think that is a reason you still visit my site and my social media – even though you have my personal account blocked. I think you’ve tried hard to move on – but something always kept you coming back… or maybe it was just easy to come back to someone who you knew already loved you? I don’t know. I feel that may not be the case – mostly because we have the tendency to be really, really mean to each other sometimes. I, no doubt, believe that you have cared for others – I do sometimes doubt the level of care and/or perhaps you made it out to be something that it wasn’t.

I truly don’t know. These are just some things that I think when I see that you land in LA and before you even get off the plane, you are on my blog (google analytics showed that you were using inflight wifi row 44 – sorry to call you out – sometimes you need it).

Anyways, I am guessing since you landed in LA, you all are headed to Jon’s wedding. If you read this before then, give him a hug from me and tell him that I said congratulations and I am so happy for him (I know you won’t, but some of your friends were my friends at one point too – they were more than just my coworkers).

when it comes down to it, we are all just trying to find one soul who matches ours

the one soul who gets us

the one soul who helps us grow and allows us to breathe under the constant pressures of the world

if you have that

please never let them go