Now, don’t get me wrong, not everything about my relationship with Steven was bad. He was kind, affectionate, silly, weird. He made me laugh so much. He (sort of) dealt with the fact that I had an ex boyfriend who treated me poorly and that his girlfriend was calling me and texting me everyday. Again, honesty, I should never have answered her calls. I should tell you all, I wasn’t perfect in this either. I know I made him out to be a bad guy and that’s not entirely fair. He did do a lot of things that were inappropriate for someone who was in a relationship.
When he was with me, he was good to me. He was the first (and only) man who ever brought me flowers. I almost even cried when he showed up for our date on Valentine’s Day and handed me the flowers. He chose orange for “New Beginnings” he said. Now, I called him a narcissist on the last post… and, I do not believe him to be a full-blown narcissist.
We never did get to go away for a weekend together. All I remember about the reason why not was that we “both” thought things were going too fast. So, instead, the weekend we planned to go, I went to Vegas with a co-worker of mine for her birthday. I remember talking to her a lot about Steven. And talking to her a lot about Jason. And I remember her saying that I needed to stop talking to Chilee if I wanted things to work with Steven. And I agreed. Because I cared about him (Steven) so much. I truly did. And perhaps that’s why I am still so angry and hurt by what he did.
So… before I go into where it all went wrong. I need to tell you about all of the things that made it right, at least to me anyways.
I loved the fact that there was an evening that he went out with his friends and I went out with mine and he text me to see how my evening was going and asked when I was going to be home. I remember texting him when I was home and him asking if he can come over because he wanted to see me. I text him I was home and still awake and to just text me when he was at the door. Not a minute later, he text me with “here.” Apparently, he was already on his way over and wanted to make sure I was awake. It was the little, sweet things like that. He would come over just to see me. One time he walked to my house late in the evening just to cuddle for a half-an-hour and then walked back home. One memory sticks out the most for some reason. He came over in the middle of the day and I was working on homework and he laid down to take a nap on the couch. I can see it as vividly as it happened just this morning or this past weekend. I remember I stopped what I was doing and went over to him and laid down with him. And we stayed like that for a while. There was something sweet in that. Nothing super big, the front door was open and the air was coming in and we just laid there. That’s not the moment I fell in love with him. That came a bit later.
An interlude (yes, it’s important to the story)
Throughout a lot of this, Chilee was texting me about Jason. Had Jason contacted me? Jason said this or that about me. Jason once told people that he never loved me. He told people that I begged him to go up and see me in the Bay Area when it was HIS idea. He told people that we never planned on me moving down to Southern California to be together, but he asked me to at one point. He told people that we only dated for 2 weeks and that we didn’t work and we remained great friends. He told Chilee and others that I weaseled my way back into his life and didn’t know that I had feelings for him when they started dating (this is all before Steven and yes there is a point, please stick with me). However, I have never been one to hide my feelings. The fact of the matter is, I had dinner with Jason the night before he was officially in a relationship with Chilee and he sat in his car and told me, “well, you’re here now so who knows what the future truly holds for us.” When I confronted Jason about chilee, he told me that she propositioned him. Saying that she had feelings for him and was seriously considering moving to California (from Vegas) to be with him and pursue a relationship and he told me that he never even kissed her… I was stupid because I believed it all. Just like Michelle and Chilee believed what he told them about me. Because everything he ever told them about me… okay, not everything. When Michelle and I got together before she got a restraining order against Jason she said, ” I knew he lied to me about you. He said that you were the most amazing woman he ever met and then all of a sudden you guys broke up and he didn’t want to talk about it. but I knew. I knew something was wrong. He literally went from ‘she’s the most patient, kind, caring person I’ve ever met and I cannot believe I found her,’ to ‘we’re done’ in the span of a week.” Now, Jason and Michelle met because she worked at the coffee place he would frequent. I met her because Jason took me there one evening when I was out visiting and I met her. Michelle later told me that Jason told her that he did that because he wanted to see me and he wanted to see what my reaction would be to her. Yes, the stupidity that was involved when I got back together with Jason as many times as I did is unfathomable. Here is why I am telling you this. I am telling you this because the only reason I ever got back together with him was because I remember what it was like when we were first together. However! And this is something I have learned, he (Jason) was never that person. He just wasn’t. It’s such a difficult thing to describe. And I know people have asked why I ever got back together with him in the first place and my initial reaction was “because you don’t really know him.” I didn’t either. But to be honest, it was because I had fought and fought and fucking fought for this dude and when there were times he decided to be with me, I was like “okay.” Even though I knew it wasn’t right. Even when I knew I didn’t actually love him anymore.
The point of me telling you all of this is because for the majority of my relationship with Steven in 2015, Chilee and Jason were stalking both of us. Well, they were stalking me which meant whenever Steven was with me, they were also stalking him. Jason would drive by the house every night at the same time. Chilee once had someone find out where I lived so she can say that she and Jason were moving down the street. It was difficult for me. It became really difficult to hear all of these lies being told about me to someone and fearing that something might happen to me or the person I was in a relationship at the time. The tipping point, for me, was when Chilee contacted me and said that someone had anonymously sent her a package to her work (later, I found out that no one sent her anything. Her family works in law enforcement and she actually ordered a full background report on Jason) and told me that Jason was going to come to my home and “deal with it.” I left work early that day and called my best friend, Jackie because I was about to end it all. I don’t know if I ever told Steven that. That is when I told Chilee that she needed to leave me alone and we shouldn’t be in contact anymore. I was in a relationship with someone I cared very deeply for and it was starting to ruin our relationship and I wanted to give this relationship everything I could. I deserved that and so did Steven.
The night I realized that I was in love with Steven was the evening he asked me to go to Alaska with him. He has planned this dream trip of his to go to Alaska and I was so excited for him. We were out at dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date and I remember he got up to use the restroom and when he came back and sat down, I remember looking at him and my entire body got warm and in my head I was like, “oh goodness, I’m in love with you.” When he sat down, that’s when he asked me to go to Alaska with him. I have written about this before and I feel like I should have said yes but I can’t change that now. I said no because I was moving the weekend he was going to be in Alaska. I was done with my classes but I needed to ask for time off. And I couldn’t get that time off. I just should have done it. Maybe he wouldn’t have had that plenty of fish account for when he was there. I don’t know.
I remember saying to him that night, “you’re not gonna come back, are you?” and he said, “my stuff’s here. you’re my stuff.” I said, “not Edgar and Jon?” and he said, “nah.” or something along those lines. I never told him that night. In fact, I didn’t tell him that I had loved him until after we had broken up. I wrote him a letter. I think that was after he told me he was moving to Cleveland… I can’t quite remember the timeline of that. He never told me he loved me either. Not that i can recall. I don’t know if he actually did. But there was one night i had a conversation with his best friend, Edgar, a conversation i tried so hard not to have and i said to Edgar, “he didn’t love me. if he loved me, he would have tried harder and he never would have left.” Edgar looked at me and said, “come on, you know that’s not true. He left the two people he loves most in this world (Edgar and Jon). Steven was going to leave no matter what.”
Throughout all of this, he would surprise me with sweet dates. He once picked me up and asked me what I was in the mood for and then took me to this cute little Italian restaurant and then the rooftop of the standard in LA. He once took me to Amoeba in LA and then Diddy Riese to get ice cream sandwiches and we waited in the cold in line, but it was worth it. There are cute pictures from that day, but it hurts too much to look at and share them.
I begged him to stop talking to his ex. She made it known that she was still relevant in his life and that bothered me. I didn’t like her. And I don’t think I ever will like her. And I still don’t understand why he continued to talk to her and be in contact with her and meet up with her in Vegas for her 21st birthday when he told me that she didn’t mean anything to him.
He met a couple of my friends and I met most of his. He would bring me to things like the pizza potluck to watch a fight (he took me home early because I had to be at work the next morning at 4:30am) or one evening when his friend was performing at a comedy club. Those sorts of things. I knew things were changing when he stopped inviting me places with them. When I had 4th of July off and I spent it alone while he was out with his friends having fun. And he knew I had the day off.
Again, I’m not saying I was perfect. He would tell me what his current favorite movie was and that I should watch it because he thought I would like it and I said no because it didn’t sound like a good movie. I watched it after we broke up, I actually really did like it. I would be short with him sometimes. One morning when I moved into my new place he was playing around with the smart tv and I got upset with him because I was sure he was going to break it and I was going to get in trouble for it. I didn’t always communicate that I wanted to see him more. Sometimes I did and those messages were left answered or “I’m busy.” I was too. I had 2 jobs and was going to school full-time.
I don’t know when or how often or why he did all he did. Especially when I remember telling him, “if this is not where you want to be, please just tell me.” Yes, we technically broke up 3 years ago. But over the last year and more, we were always trying to be “something.” Or so it seemed.
He used to call me, “my Blythe.” I liked that. It felt like I belonged and that what we together was special and that I was his and he was mine. I loved touching him. I don’t know. I don’t know when it all turned into him telling people I was just bitter. I don’t know when all of it turned into him telling his Cleveland friends that I was obsessed with him. I don’t know when it became okay for him to listen to people who don’t even know me speak poorly of me because of things he did. I know he’s embarrassed by what I write about him sometimes. But imagine the embarrassment I feel when I read the horrendous review his former co-worker and friend left about my book. And how heartbroken I felt when Steven removed his review because people found out the truth about our relationship. I don’t understand why people lie. Things didn’t work out. And you know what? It’s sad. And I was heartbroken over it, truly, I was. By why does anyone have to be made out to be crazy or obsessed? Why can’t it just be “we didn’t work out. but I care about this person still” instead of “no, she’s crazy and jealous that I didn’t choose her.”
It breaks my heart everyday. Because I didn’t think I deserved what happened in the end.